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15 April 2011 @ 05:52 pm
I've all but decided to abandon LJ again, mainly because I got too annoyed with the DDoS issues deleting my posts and comments when I tried to update them.  I've created a WordPress account under the same name, if anyone is interested in saying "hi" over there, now and then.


The advantage of WordPress is that it's free, sans advertisements.  It's nice.

I'll probably keep this login even when the paid account expires, just so I can say "hi" to people who don't post publicly.  :-)
Current Mood: goodgood
09 April 2011 @ 06:59 pm
So I'm reading A Girl's Guide to Dating a Geek by Omi M. Inouye. It's a hilarious, tongue-in-cheek set of rules for finding, attracting, marrying, and taking care of your geek. One might wonder why I am reading such a thing, having been left by my geek only two months ago. I was worried it would make me cry, but it has done quite the opposite. I have laughed aloud every other sentence. The author writes footnotes after the style of Terry Pratchett (this cannot be a coincidence), one of my favorite authors, and Inouye's style of writing has actually cheered me up.

I suppose I wanted to read it because I was curious about my past choices in men. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for a geek because I'm a geek myself. (It cannot be denied.) Or maybe I might find some good advice in the pages. (There isn't. The part about tricking your geek into marriage via pregnancy or alcohol isn't good advice. Written in a very funny way, but not advisable. The author does say it's not a good idea.) Or maybe there are some answers as to why I've failed in these relationships. (There aren't.)

What I have found is that I am looking for the right type of person. I think geeks are adorable. I love their obsessed curiosity with their area of expertise, just as I am not ashamed of my own passion for categorization and organization of stuff and things (which reminds me--next weekend, I will put my books in order). So I hope I can find another geek someday. Maybe I should enroll in a math class or something.

Example of what is making me LOL for real:
Some believe that Newton's First Law of Motion also applies to girlfriends. It states that an object at rest will remain at rest as long as no external, unbalanced force is acted upon it. Geeks use this law to rationalize not taking you out on dates, believing that if you like them on Tuesday, and they do not move you, you will still be there and like them the following Tuesday.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: goodgood
08 April 2011 @ 05:23 pm
Favorite abstract-artsy gray-and-white long-sleeved shirt?  Check
Gray yoga pants?  Check
Mini pizza?  Check
Hot tea?  Check
Doctor Who in queue?  Check
Current Location: home
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Turn on the TV in the living room.
Go into bedroom and work.

It will seem as though someone is out in the living room enjoying whatever is on television while you do your editing work in the bedroom. 
06 April 2011 @ 11:52 am
There has been some discussion, of late, that my thoughts and processes indicate I am leaving doors of communication open or that I am stalling in moving on from this relationship.  This is not the case.  I have a keen ability to empathize with people, even those who have hurt me.  It is easy for me to see things from their point of view, to twist the situation around in my mind and view things from a different angle and consider what it might be like in their shoes.  (I suppose this is why I'm an analyst.)

I absolutely refuse to shut this down even if it means that I might experience a slightly longer period of grief or emotional pain than might seem "normal."  It is who I am.  It's what makes me different than my parents, who are so self-absorbed that they can't see how their actions and beliefs hurt the people around them.  It also makes it possible for me to be a good person.  I would rather live my life in such a way that I assume innocence, as much as possible, rather than assuming that people are out to hurt or manipulate me.  I used to live it the other way around, and it is equally hurtful and lonely.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
06 April 2011 @ 11:48 am
I found out that he is sick.  The instinct is to make sure he's okay, to see if he needs Gatorade or crackers or tissues.  I mean, he lives about a quarter mile from me, maybe less.  I doubt he has anyone who would stop by and get him anything if he needed it.  I know what it's like to be sick and feel like one is isolated from everyone, to feel as though there is no one to look out for you.  (The early part of 2009 really sucked.)

Then I remember he opted out of this courtesy when he walked away.  I remember that he would not do the same for me, that he isn't even my friend anymore.

So I don't email and I don't text.  I only hope, from a distance, that he recovers quickly because being sick when you're alone sucks.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: kansas - vienna teng
02 April 2011 @ 12:19 pm
I know it's not me.  I know it's about them being jerks, about their issues and their coldness.  I know.  I get it.

It's really hard to translate that cognitive recognition into personal emotional security.
Current Mood: blahmeh
02 April 2011 @ 12:50 am

I am hanging out in South Philly tonight with friends willing to distract me. Which is good, because I had it in my head that I was going to set some marker in my path today that read, "Here lies dead my lost love," and keep walking. Ha. I linger here still.

There is a baby screaming next door and as I try to fall asleep on this familiar bed at Julia's, I remember that there are earplugs in my purse. Then I recall why they are there, and I am derailed emotionally.

Two men have told me this week that I'm beautiful, but I don't believe them. The first one was old enough to be my father, and he said so and was married and it wasn't as creepy as it sounds--we were standing in line at World Cafe Live, during the intermission, to buy Joe Robinson's CD, and he'd had a few drinks and was apologizing in a delightful Aussie accent for being obnoxious even though he really wasn't. The second guy said it a few hours ago when Julia joked that I should probably consider dating chicks, what with my luck with guys abandoning me, and Sue's friend Matt commented that didn't seem right for a beautiful girl like me...

It actually makes it harder when random people tell me I'm beautiful or smart or worthwhile. Why couldn't the people I love (my dad? Brian?) think so too? Am I really just that easy to leave?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Maybe I should sell those earrings instead:
There is one thing to be done with photographs, postcards from trips, and meaningless trinkets from your failed relationship: make a collage entitled “Back When You Had a Soul” and burn it someplace symbolic. You can also just throw them out or hide them in a closet with the rest of your old relationship shit that you’ve kept to remind yourself that once, someone accidentally thought that they loved you.

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
31 March 2011 @ 12:43 am
I met up with rimrunner this evening down in Center City and saw Kaki King perform.  I'd never heard of this artist before, and I was tempted to look her up on YouTube prior to the show at World Cafe Live.  But in the spirit of adventure, I stayed my search queries and went to the show with no expectations other than rimrunner knows awesome musicians.  My plan worked out beautifully, and I was in the throes of delight the whole evening.  So THANK YOU, dear friend.  That was awesome.

(If you like guitar, look up this gal.  You will not be disappointed.)

[Aside: I did want to note that I wore the peridot heart-shaped earrings he gave me for Christmas.  It was the last gift he ever gave me.  I love them, and not just because they are green, but because he picked them out and he was nervous about it, thinking I wouldn't like them.  I think they're beautiful.   I always will.  I haven't worn them since we broke up, but I wore them today to prove to myself that they are just earrings.  That's all.  Earrings.  They matched my necklace, is all...]
Current Mood: goodgood